Thursday, 26 May 2011
One of our customers was lucky enough to be invited to the BAFTA TV awards and she chose to wear her Billion Dollar Baby dress from Deadly is the Female. Here is Mina's story...
Hi there Deadly Females!
What a night! Did I dream it or was I actually at the BAFTA t.v. awards ceremony on Sunday? Well the girl on the photo bears a striking resemblance to me so, yeah, I was there - dressed to kill in my smoking red Billion Dollar Baby dress Thank you God for providing me with the necessary tool to bag me a hottie - a killer dress!
I'm a t.v. scriptwriter and member of BAFTA so I'm fortunate enough to be allocated tickets for one of the most happening events of the year. This year was to be no exception - held at The Grosvenor House Hotel on Park Lane, London. Dead posh, as we say in Liverpool. If the loo paper is still hanging in the right place and not strewn all over the ladies' toilets, then we're talking real class.
My dress was unbearably close fitting - skin tight, in other words, 'I daren't eat or breathe' tight and to keep the bulges at bay the obligatory spanx reinforcement underwear with extra butt padding was needed to give me that J-Lo full arse effect! Without it, arse around my knees was not exactly a pulling credential!
Breathing was going to be difficult but hey that was the last of my worries! My Spanx underwear was now virtually impossible to remove for calls of nature. I had no other choice but to strategically cut a slit in the crotch area to enable the probable eventuality of needing the ladies - a must, given to the alcoholic excesses of the evening.
The red carpet was crammed to the rafters with paparazzi desperate to not take my photo! After all, who was I - an unknown, a disposable triple z lister with no scandal qualities, in other words, a non TOWIE! Still it gave me the chance to star spot and an array of household names sauntered past, hesitating momentarily to sign autographs for their adoring fans. Jim Broadbent, Trevor McDonald and Phillip Schofield, the cast of Downtown Abbey, Coronation Street and Eastenders all paraded past, unaware that the lady in red was about to collapse at any moment due to lack of oxygen!
The champagne reception was held in a decadently decorated reception hall and as I descended the luxuriously carpeted stairs, flanked by security and waiters, the importance of the event started to dawn on me. The array of men in black were a pleasure to behold and I realised at that moment that God was indeed a woman and I thanked her for such a wonderful display of male beauty. Black suits, white shirts, black ties adorned fit, muscular bodies and yet - they all eventually morphed into one, a swamp of varying shades of black, leaving us ladies to add a touch of colour and glamour to compensate for the guys' drabness! Had I unintentionally gatecrashed a Reservoir Dogs convention perhaps? Some of The Reservoir Dogs glanced me up and down, admiring glances because of my Billion Dollar Baby dress or had I already started to turn a mild shade of blue? I wandered or dare I say wiggled around, as by now, walking had also become an additional hazard. Still, in my head, it looked sexy and that's all that mattered!! I pretended I was looking for someone, all the while keeping my radar fully tuned for any passing eye candy.
Champagne reception over, we were herded into the main ballroom, where the tables were beautifully decorated and adorned lovingly. So much cutlery. So little time to learn what to do with it all! Now for the presentation of the BAFTAs. I was seated on the balcony and unfortunately an enormous chandelier dominated our view. Thankful for the chance to stand before my dress popped open, a la Judy Finnigan, I wiggled my way to the balcony where I had a first class view of the evening's proceedings. Nominations were read and the 'unhappy' losers managed to force a semblance of a smile, while an enormous 10 inch lens was stuck firmly in their faces, desperate for a sob or a 'bastard - why did he get it'. Instead, they clapped lethargically, successfully hiding their seething jealousy at the 'deserving' winners. I swore that if I was ever nominated for a BAFTA and didn't win, I would give the cameras exactly what they wanted - a hysterical melt-down of tears!
Obviously, The TOWIE (The Only Way is Essex) gang stole the show! The Essex mob had won the Utube audience award for best serial drama. They were understandably ecstatic and responded the Essex way. Amy Childs looked immaculate but sounded like a train crash tragedy, squeaking and squealing, adding the show's catch phrase, 'Oh Shut up!' to end the most eloquent speech of the evening. Nelson Mandela eat your heart out!!! Were the Industry audience applauding with embarrassment or genuinely pleased that top drama Downtown Abbey had been thwarted by non-actors playing themselves? Were they laughing with them or at them? The TOWIEs didn't care. Non-actors they may be, but they were going home with their own BAFTA!
At last food! I'd already devoured the BAFTA chocolate figure, the one that I was going to treasure for the rest of my days and I prayed to every God available for the speedy delivery of anything remotely edible! Crab starter, chicken and a selection of desserts filled a gaping hole as the zip on my dress began to lose the will to function.
The after party was a huge hit and went on until the early hours! The ballroom was big enough to cater for the many guests who, by now were all pissed! Yet, they all still managed to look glamorous while us mere mortals had begun to slowly wither! How on earth did they manage to do that? Did they have a secret army of make-up artists hidden in the wings to reapply make-up and fix hair? Hmm, I wonder.
I danced the night away with a variety of celebs from Downtown Abbey and other hit shows that I hadn't heard of! The highlight of my evening was meeting and chatting to the most gorgeous German actor on the planet! Ladies, google him if you dare! Ken Duken. Not of the Dukan diet fame! That's Dukan with an 'a' not with an 'e'! But I'm sure The Duken diet I'm picturing would be a much more entertaining way of losing weight, If you get my drift!! He was sublime - made my evening, my week, my decade infact! But, as always, he was married! Never mind. Still, a girl can dream, can't she?
The event ended at 3.00 am and we stumbled out with the dregs. A few sad press guys still hung on desperately to see if any celebs were still there. At this point they weren't fussy - anyone would do! I informed them that the event was now celebless, but all was not lost. As some small compensation for their disappointment, I would allow them to take my photo! Why they were laughing I don’t know, but good-humouredly, they obliged this crazy inebriated Scouse lady! So for one brief moment, in my Billion Dollar Baby dress, I posed and pouted, living the fantasy that I too was a hot A lister!!
Can't wait for next year!!! Same again TOWIEs? You betcha!!
We'd like to say a huge thank you to Mina for sharing her adventures with us!